I spent some time a few weekends ago with a friend who's considering a divorce and has children to think about. The weekend after, I spent with someone who will probably marry because honour dictates it. And later, when I thought about it, felt very, very scared.
I wonder if I will meet myself, parked at the end of either one of those roads, a few green signals later.
Tis strange, really, where the road can take you, when one is merely attempting to walk along. At eighteen I thought, by twenty-five, I would be ensconced in a committed relationship, or at least be approaching one. And someday in the future, I'd be heading down the aisle. Curiously, it does not bother me that I am not even close. I cannot see myself married in real time - oh dear Christ, no! But... I still wonder if I will indeed get married someday.
I should qualify this strain of thought. This is neither some querulous, feminine dichotomy - agonizing about dying an old maid AND yet not caring about being the "better half of a whole." Nor is it the statement of anything radically new. I am simply wondering aloud - will I start down this well-trodden path as well?
Now, does this mean some part of me truly does want the "stability" marriage can bring? Or is this just objective speculation I am indulging in. And to make things a little interesting, am I way off the ball here? Am I just pandering to a thought process that is unnecessary, ergo a waste?
Apart from my usual strangeness, is this wierd?