Thursday, July 21, 2005

Of Closure

A miscellany of ideas, circumstance and a song brings me to this question: when a relationship ceases, where does the responsibility of “closure” lie?

It is a little like happiness, I think. No one can make you happy; it is something you choose to be. Indeed, closure is a choice one must make - to be happy, to be whole. And most importantly, it is the choice to be fair. If someone wants to be let go of, it is only fair to respect the decision.

...Only fair not to make them feel like scum of the universe for wanting another path.
...Only fair to love someone enough to want joy for them, even when it is not you.
...Only fair to know that pain is your business and yours alone.
...Only fair to accept pain as you did rapture.

Mind, these are not difficult things to do.

The conundrum is the one time when you can't practice what you preach from every available soapbox.

...The one time when you are torn between what is right and what you thirst for.
...The one time when you don't want to let go... when you can't let go?

What do you do then?

If holding onto the past is such a foolish endeavour... why do I cling so desperately?

33 comments:

Asmaan BiKhorshid said...

Salam, Khosh-a-madid!

Dhoktar-e-man, you seem to have been stung by the hornet of love while drinking its honey. :)

Closure never happens, really, and it shouldn't either because where there is the sting there is also the honey.

Look back at the memories and be happy for the joy it did bring and not for the sorrow it does now.

A phrase from my lands.....

Khoshha va Ghamha Tamam hastand che anha ra misaktani....

SaidBack said...

This totally depends on the relationship.

Responsibility of closure lies with noone. It lies with the relationship. Once the relationship is over, it's over, closure is done.

I don't get the whole pain logic, or, maybe coz I haven't been through something like that.

About the conundrum, what's so different about "the one time" compared to the other times? Weakness? Vunerability? a void that you wanna fill? If so, could the "what is not right" be just a shortcut of sorts?

When you thirst for something, and if that something's not right... you're going about a wrong "thirst".

There are things in life worth getting emotional and sentimental about, and there are those that aren't. whatever's causing the pain, is it worth it?

Anonymous said...

I think closure can happen because of many reasons. What extempore is stressing here is the reason ‘if someone wants to be let go of…’ It will take a great deal of strength to let someone go of for his or her happiness and keep the pain for oneself. Some amount of pain has to be there even if closure has a mutual consent or else relationship will look like an already-decided deal.

What makes this post interesting is that someone could talk about those rare ‘one times' of clashes between preaching and practice, between rights and what you thrust for, or between letting go and still not wanting to let go.

The issue here is not what we thrust for is right or wrong and if it is worth it, but the issue here is the conundrum of that ‘one time’ which at some point we all have faced or will have to face (correct me if I am wrong). What will we do then? How much would we want to cling to the past or how much would we want to move ahead, leaving past behind?

SaidBack said...

Well, if a situation goes sideways, and you need to do soemthing that you may not wanna do, there may be some pain.

I'm a bit unconvinced about the "love em enough to let em go" bit. Reason, if he/she doesn't want you, or it's just not working, letting em go is dictated by basic common sense, decency, and logic. Loving em enough? Ok, gonna start something here :p

In my experience, what I've seen with people I know... "loving em enough to let em go" is a form of false justification. For what?

For the fact that the person doesn't want you, or it's just not working... and there's nothing you can do about it. So, instead of "this ain't working so I'm gonna let go", you have a "I love him/her enough to let her go".

If a person is not a part of your life anymore.... how do you let go of someone you don't have?

Then it also boils down to self-respect. Clinging on to someone who doesn't want you, could be a lack of it.

The whole "one time" conundrum possibly happens during patches of weakness. When something's not going right, the whole void in your life thing.

Bottom line: Let go, be happy. Or, don't, and be miserable. But when you do let go, it's not a prize winning achievement.

Extempore said...

@Peppered Soul: The one time is different because logic, self-respect and everything else cease to exist in the face of what you feel for that person.

And also the question remains about the relationship not being right. What of the times when it is right but there is a greater common good to be pursued? Or at least if one person thinks there is?

I never said it was a prize-winning achievement... have even said so in the post itself. I totally agree that self-respect is a great part of this as well - was going to put it up as an addendum. But sometimes, you do come to the choice of letting someone go and when you can't - that's when the conundrum happens.

SaidBack said...

"What of the times when it is right but there is a greater common good to be pursued? Or at least if one person thinks there is?"

It takes 2 to think that way if it's to work, not one.

Extempore said...

There are decisions to be made sometimes and they don't necessarily involve both people.

If both are in love and work well together, but one does not want to upset family (i.e. the greater common good - and for very good reason, I may add), does this mean that the relationship is not right or that there is something not right in the relationship?

Just means that there are decisions you must make, that you don't even want to make. The consequences of those decisions will not be pleasant for either one person they affect no?

SaidBack said...

"If both are in love and work well together, but one does not want to upset family (i.e. the greater common good - and for very good reason, I may add), "

So when the relationship first started off, the family was thrilled to bits? And suddenly, now, they would be upset?

These are things that you're supposed to think about before starting off a relationship.

This doesn't hold true for a casual relationship, or a fling. But if you enter a serious relationship without giving sufficient thought to all possible factors that could break the relationship... there is something wrong.

Extempore said...

Crikey! Majesty, you are hellbent on making an ugly man of me after all, no? :))

SaidBack said...

I thought we settled that one already.

i-me-moi said...

@pepper: When was the last time you let go of someone?

How often have you been madly in love with a person you think is PERFECT for you but you can't have her, chumma or for some earth-shaking reason?

I mean, I am apalled at your complete lack of sensitivity to the topic at hand here. Logic does not work in the face of love. Yea so the relationship takes two to work, but the memories you make together, even if you aren't exactly in each others arms, are so real inside your mind, you can't shake the whole thing off at all. Relationships have no rules. And no logical ways out.

Trust me it's difficult. Trust me, you won't know until you go through it. And God forbid it ever happen to you.

SaidBack said...

@sprechen:
"When was the last time you let go of someone? " - Never, and I'm happy it's so.

"How often have you been madly in love with a person you think..."
Had some distence get in the way once, that was temporary. Apart from that, nothing. Besides, if this feeling is so special, would you meet such people often?

I didn't say that it's easy to let go. I said it's stupid to hold on. Just like it's stupid of me to smoke, but I find it hard to quit.

Relatinships have some unsaid rules, and even at the lowest levels, they're governed by rules of basic decency towards another person.

Emotions have no rules, emotions aren't meant to be dealt with logically. But the actions that result from them, should be.

i-me-moi said...

@pepper:

Don't equivocate. Anyone who takes 18 lines to answer 2 questions is beating around a jungle of bushes and cant come to terms with which side is he on?

SaidBack said...

I shall make an ugly man outta you too...mark my words. :D

"Anyone who takes 18 lines to answer 2 questions..."

What's that someone said about the journey...and not the destination?

i-me-moi said...

Oh c'mon... don't go womany on me again!!!!!!!!!!

SaidBack said...

What's teh other one?...When in Rome.....

i-me-moi said...

How about this one:

For lack of an original retort, lean on the Vatican City?

SaidBack said...

No more Dan Browns for this woman!

SaidBack said...

@sprechen: getting back to the point:

"Don't equivocate. Anyone who takes 18 lines to answer 2 questions is beating around a jungle of bushes and cant come to terms with which side is he on?"

I've already made my side clear. Or, it would be if you read what I said literally, and not made assumptions.

When it comes to closure, I'd rather base my actions on reason, than on sentiment. Better to be "insensitive" and happy, than sensitive and miserable.

i-me-moi said...

.. and miss out on a whole universe of emotions? Never know what the pain of losss in love is? ... nah!!!!

taste everything atleast once, as you should food, so should you emotion. if karela happens .. so should pain.

Reason in love .. sigh!

I don't think I have it in me to argue with you on this. I beat a retreat. OnO.

SaidBack said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
SaidBack said...

".. and miss out on a whole universe of emotions? Never know what the pain of losss in love is? ... nah!!!!"
- Well, life has it's bouts of pain, all I'm saying is, experience it if it comes along, but deal with it so that it causes you minimal grief.

"taste everything atleast once, as you should food, so should you emotion. if karela happens .. so should pain"
- partially agree. If pain happens, experience it, deal with it, face it... but don't go looking for it when it can be avoided.

"Reason in love .. sigh"
- not in love, in your post-breakup actions.

Conclusion: It all boils down one decision. Post breakup, moving on with your life, or, holding on to something u'll never get (of he/she'll neve give you).

If you're labouring in the hope that it will work, great. But once it's over, moving on seems to be the best thing.

Extempore said...

Dear Christ, Majesty! When are you going to accept that even as one logically knows that one has to move on, one knows that it is stupid to hold on, doing it is often easier said than done. Logic has little place in the heart.

"Besides, if this feeling is so special, would you meet such people often?"

That's completely true and that's why it's so difficult to let go when you meet that person no? That's why memories come flooding back at the drop of a hat; that's why the pain takes a while to abate. Forgive the water analogies... got it on the brain right now! :)

With regard to something you said in a previous comment:
"But if you enter a serious relationship without giving sufficient thought to all possible factors that could break the relationship... there is something wrong."

Sometimes, even after a lot of thought, things do go wrong. It does happen.

SaidBack said...

"even as one logically knows that one has to move on, one knows that it is stupid to hold on, doing it is often easier said than done. Logic has little place in the heart. " - I never said it's easy, justthat it's the right thing to do.

"that's why it's so difficult to let go when you meet that person no? That's why memories come flooding back at the drop of a hat; that's why the pain takes a while to abate." - true. Especially when the berakup's due to something beyind anyone's control. What about when one of both people screw up? when someone so special acts so half-ased, doesn't that make em loose some serious points?

"Sometimes, even after a lot of thought, things do go wrong. It does happen." - Absolutely. But when you think about things carefully, the chances are significanty reduced.

Extempore said...

Sprechen's right. I am beating a retreat as well... into my corner to nurse my broken heart. :)

SaidBack said...

great, now i can stop repeating myself. :D

the cowlick said...

From what I've gathered from your definition of closure is that (I think) you're equating closure to the act of breaking up itself. That might not be the right definition. Closure is how you deal with your heart after the breakup.

Sometimes when people don't attain closure, they keep going back to that person they broke up with (or who broke up with them) because they think one last time wouldn't harm.

I think closure depends entirely on you - how you decide to end a relationship in your own mind, not with your boy/girl friend. Donno if I'm being clear enough.

Extempore said...

@The Cowlick: I agree. :) That's actually the question at hand, really. Because since closure does depend on the individual, what do you do when you come across the one time you can't?

Tis not an enviable position, believe me.

SaidBack said...

@ the cowlick: I agree. But I do feel that a break-up without closure isn't a good thing. And no matter how hard it is, it should be achieved. Unless there's scope for reconcilliation.

Else, you spend that much more of your life wanting something, but getting shadows.

Isis said...

Man, i detest this word ---"closure". What the hell does it mean anyway? It's just some psychobabble coined up by the analysts, in a society that has so much leisure that half of us wind up on the couch.
Every person that I have loved, I still love. Yes, your paths diverge, circumstances change, but that doesn't mean that all the good things ought to fade away. Relationships are fluid and love is continuous. Each person who you have loved has brought new insight to the person you are. The hell I will give up both the understandings and the person who shared them with me.
You move forward, yes, more often than not with a broken heart... so instead of waking up with your arms and legs wrapped around this person, you wake up with them wrapped around your pillow.
Why should you relinquish someone so special? Instead of collapsing in sorrow, it would be so much better to wrap that feeling when all your cells felt alive, and go out and do something to commemorate that. Use those newfound insights to be more sensitive, more creative... write a poem, take a picture, say a thousand words. A relationship, especially with a person you love too well, is not something you graduate and move away from.
There are no closures, ever. Not really.

Extempore said...

@Isis: I see you are bent on bringing me back to my past! :-) Just teasing.

I agree with every word you said. The reason I wrote this because at the time, holding onto those wonderful things was not enough - I wanted the love, the understanding - the everything, dammit! - to last.

What I am talking about is my inability to let go and accept the inevitability of what is happening and accept that things are done. Closure in that way - no other. Because relationships do stop when someone you love to well hurts you wilfully almost. And not all people come to into your life to stay, no?

Been through more than my share of broken relationships and the one thing that I am not about any one of them is bitter because I can look back at each and every one of them with love and laughter - at the silliness and funny moments. And with gratitude for the hurts that have made me the person I am today - someone I can be at least a little proud of.

I must admit now to great curiousity about you - will you mail me? :-)

Isis said...

@extempore: Unfortunately, I know exactly what you are talking about. When I read this post, I thought "ouch!"
There is no stifling the little voice in the heart that wants, and wants and wants the whole deal. But given time, it fades from an insistent boom to a comforting murmur, like the distant sound of surf.
I am also talking only of the one person you cannot forget, the one time you want to hold on with life... To that, I can only say that grief, sadness, and regret are natural to life, as natural as joy and laughter and rapture.

Now how did those lines go?
"O joy that seekest me through the pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee.
I chase the rainbow through the rain
And hope the morn shall tearless be..."

Chin up, then. Life has a lot more to offer and it's just around the corner.

Extempore said...

Will you pls stop ignoring my repeated requests to get in touch with me? :-)

Really... pls. Mail me. I should like very much to know at least a little about you.